Listen to “Let the sunshine in”..and really try to let it in.
“I remember I was on a train station, was heading home from work. My soul was aching for weeks again. It surprised me to feel the pain again. I thought I got out of everything bad around me, I thought rough times are behind me. I was listening to some music but it wasn’t helping. Truth to be told, music rarely helps, it just becomes soundtrack of your pain. This means it enhances your inner tears. Take for example “Let the sunshine in”, a song that played on a radio while I worked that day. It had triggered my pain and my eyes were full of tears. I don’t see the sunshine, I can’t remember when was the last time I saw it. Even if I did see a sun, I wouldn’t know how to let it in. How does a person let the sunshine in? It is not enough to open your heart, you need something that will breathe that sunshine in, pull it into your heart. In my heart there is only emptiness. Vast planes of nothing. But I wandered off the topic.
All I wanted was that day to end. I wanted that for each and every day for quite some time. Why? Because, while being awake, the pain was there. While sleeping, there was no pain. The trick with soul aches is that there is no pill to take the pain away, nobody sees the pain and to those people that you try to explain the pain, it seems that you are overreacting and that a person having all that you have has no right feeling the way you do. There is something wrong with you. It must be something wrong with you. These words echo your mind and feed the pain.
So, there I was, waiting for the train to get me home. Somehow, my mind came up with a quiet little voice. I used to hear it earlier too, but it was a quiet little shitty voice, it had no serious weight in any of my decisions. This time it was as quiet as usual. It had the same idea as always – ending a life will end the pain.
Look, for example, this train. It is approaching the train station. A life could be ended by jumping in front of it.
Don’t be silly, this train is slowing down, if a person would jump in front of it, it could seriously hurt her, maybe even turn a person into a cripple. Everything would become even worse then. At least I am healthy.
But the pain, it is still here. Ending a life ends the pain.
True that! Still, ending a life is a very selfish act. People around a person that committed a suicide would be in pain for the rest of their lives. One cannot just make them go through all that pain.
But YOU wouldn’t feel the pain then. Don’t you want to breathe without this pain around your heart? You said it yourself, you cannot see how things in your life can improve. There is no sunshine to let it in. You are surrounded by people but you are alone. Ending a life ends a pain.
Stop it, please, and let me be alone with my pain. You are not helping at all and I do not feel like being with you at the moment.
The train stopped, the voice stopped too. For some reason, it wasn’t hard to find a place to sit on the train. All the passengers remained standing on the train station. Even the train driver rushed out. I sat. Pain in my soul was still present. It even got a company – my back was burning on the place where wings would grow for an angel.
The train wasn’t moving and there was no voice on the speakers to direct us where to go. Why isn’t this train moving? People on the train station were acting weird. I was the only one on the train so I got out to see what is going on. Something had happened in front of the train. There was blood and the police. I walked to the place police was trying to clear out. They let me pass.”
“That’s when you saw yourself?”
“Yes, that was my blood. That was my body right there. But I didn’t commit a suicide. I made that voice shut up. I didn’t do this! I am stronger than that!”
“And you dare to preach me! You killed yourself by jumping in front of the train. All those people that saw you…you gave them nightmares. What about that train driver? He will carry your soul on his back for the rest of his life.”
“I was thinking the same thing when I saw a guy in handcuffs. I directed my attention to conversation police had with him. It was supposed to be a prank. He was planning to make me think he will push me in front of the train but he would pull me back a few seconds later. Unfortunately, I was so deep in my thoughts that my body wasn’t aware of what was going on. It didn’t resist the push so a guy needed more strength to pull me back. He was late by a split of a second. This is why my back is burning. I can still feel his hands on my back.”
“I was kind of hoping you will grow wings. This would be something you deserve for all the pain you felt and it would be a great end of a story.”
“Oh, I am not into wings and angels that much. Having this conversation with you gives me more pleasure than all the wings and the angles of the world.”
“With me? But why? I am insignificant, just one of many.”
“You are not insignificant to me. I have felt the pain you are feeling now.”
“Do you still feel it? It passed right? Tell me it passed!”
“Well, that pain did pass. Remorse and guilt moved in. Those two together with regrets are not the best company as you can imagine.”
“In other words, no matter what I do, it doesn’t get better than this?”
“Oh, it does, in time, with help, you should get better.”
“You said should. This means you are not sure.”
“I cannot be sure about it. I never reached that point. It was taken from me. You can still reach it because you have that one thing I don’t have anymore.”
“Yeah, just shut down that shitty voice inside you and reach for help. Turn to professionals if you have to. If they don’t help, you can always have a chit-chat with your shitty voice.”
“It hurts so much to be me!”
“It hurts so much to be me too. Only you can make a choice. Just make sure you are the one that made it. Don’t let anyone else make it for you.”
She was sitting on the bridge between two pillars that were holding it.
“Look, you can do it some other day. Every day is the same right?”
“Yes. Yet, you know how they say, don’t leave for tomorrow what you can do today.”
“If you don’t do it today, it would make me feel better.”
“I am tired of doing what makes other people happy. I want to do what makes me happy for once.”
“What makes you happy?”
She was quiet. I could almost hear wheels in her brain turning. In a few minutes I heard her say,
“Doing this wont make you happy either. I know what I am talking about. OK, lets make a deal, you can do it tomorrow or any other day of your life. Just don’t do it today.”
“Why postponing inevitable?”
“Because you know there are things in life that used to make you happy. Grain is not aware of the sunshine but it still has use of it. With a proper soil and watering, sunshine makes it grow into what it was meant to become. You obviously had a proper soil and watering, otherwise you wouldn’t grow at all. You are able to feel happiness. It’s just…you are lost at the moment, that’s all. “
“I have been lost for a very long time.”
“All you have to do is find your old self. It will be hard but you have to admit, being able to feel the sunshine is worth it.”
“Yeah, it is. You got yourself a deal. I can do it tomorrow or any other day of my life. I just wont do it today.”
She got up and left. I remained on that bridge, had nowhere else to go and this was a fine place to meet the sunlight.