S2 – Where will your soul go?

Listen to Željko Bebek’s “Gdje će ti duša” (“Where will your soul go”).

I sat behind her as she was unpacking her suitcase. Her strategy was to put all the clothes on the bed and then organize it into cabinets. Her dog was laying on the floor next to her. I honestly don’t know how she managed to persuade the receptionist to allow her to keep the dog in the room. When she turned and saw me, she got startled.

“Oh, you again.”

“Yes, did you think that was one time conversation on that bridge?”

“I don’t know, I was kind of hoping you were busy by trying to talk somebody else out of ending its own life.”

I didn’t feel like saying anything to that, observing her was much more njam than producing words in that moment.

Once she finished unpacking, she petted the dog, “Well, do you intend to be quiet today?”

“I just don’t feel like talking.”

“How will you talk me out of it then?”

“The point is that YOU want to live, not that I force you to live.”

“You know I want to live.”

I nodded, people in depression do not want to stop living, they just want to end the pain.

“Why did you come here?”

“I wanted to be away from people that need me. It is time for me to spend my energy on making me feel better and this is the best place for that.”

“Why did you bring the dog? Doesn’t she need you too?”

“She doesn’t need me to be strong nor happy, I don’t even have to be aware of her presence. I can be a zombie and she wont mind. Also, I do not feel guilty for not enjoying life while she is around.”

“Why did you bring her with you? I am sure your family members would gladly take care of her while you are on this weekend getaway.”

“She likes to run in the nature and having long walks in the woods are a pure pleasure for her.”

“There are woods near your home too. What is the true reason you brought her here?”

“I wanted to enjoy wandering the woods without the fear of getting killed by some serial or opportunist killer. To be honest, I had an image of my naked corpse laying on the moss, my eyes looking at the sky above. The dog is here to prevent that.”

“Yet, you brought pretty sharp knife with you.”

“Yes, if I am to die, it will be when I am ready for it and under my terms. Now leave me, I want to enjoy my walk.”

My girl and her dog left the room and I remained there, waiting for her. Time was passing slowly so I decided to visit other rooms in that hotel. That was not a nice thing to do, I know, but I had been doing so many things that good people were supposed to do, made so many right choices and now I am dead. Last thing I remember feeling was enormous soul ache. Warmth in my heart vanished years before my death-day and even memories of it started to fade away. This is me doing the wrong thing.
Most of the rooms were empty because people were enjoying the nature. In one room two people were exchanging their energies on the bed. Positive energy started to rise in my abdomen. I toyed with the idea of staying in that room and allowing my energy to rise even higher and then directing it upwards to my heart or downwards to the area under my bellybutton. I doubt my heart would be able to fully exploit this energy rush. The best thing would be to direct it downwards. This used to be the closest thing to feeling alive before my death-day. It might work now too. I left the room while I was still able to control my energy flow. I burst into laughter. Here I am, doing the right thing even when being dead. No one could hear me but I laughed just the same.
By the time I got back to her hotel room, my girl was already listening some song with weird lyrics. I will try to translate the end of it the best way I know how:

Where will your soul go?
To hell, one knows that.
Where will your soul go?
Who will save you?
Where will your soul go
when I wake up?
Where will your soul go?
I want to go crazy!

Even with the first coffee my hands are shaking,
it is, though, about flesh and blood here!

Where will your soul go?
Who will save you?
You, honey will go to hell,
one knows that.

She kept listening to it on repeat. I sat on my chair patiently, she sat on the bed, leaned on the wall with her bare feet on the bed. Her dog was sitting on the floor, keeping its head on the bed. The place my girl was is very dark. Some choices a girl needs to make on her own, no one can make them for her. Tears were running down her face. Her nose was running too. As much as she could, she used her handkerchief to wipe both the nose and the tears.

“It is funny”, she said, “preachers preach that suicide is a sin so sever you cannot be buried in the spirit of Christianity. I assume souls of people that killed themselves go straight to hell.”

“This doesn’t prevent one from ending its life.”

“Yes, preachers are not aware of the hell on earth we already live in. There is actually this hell that hurts so much. I do not know how to get out of it. There is also a possibility of going to a real hell from where no one can get out and no one can imagine the pain that awaits there. After I die, there is still the possibility of God forgiving me and taking me into his arms. Maybe he will say: You hurt too much on earth, you shouldn’t had suffered so much. Come, let me hold you and take your pain away.

“And even if that doesn’t happen, hell might be less painful, right?”

“At least I will know why I am suffering!”

She started to undress. Underneath her clothes she had bathing suite. She put a post it on the bathroom door saying: I just committed suicide by cutting my femoral artery. It is not a nice thing to see so do not open this door if you cannot handle to see a lot of blood.

“Why femoral artery?”

“No one will see the cut on my funeral and, somehow, the thought of cutting this artery makes me happy. The thought of cutting my wrists didn’t evoke any emotion in me.”

“Did you write notes for your loved ones?”

“No, it was too painful for me. I am doing this for me. My last selfish act.”

She let the dog lay on the floor in the room, entered the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

“You refuse to think about how your loved ones will feel about this.”

“Yes, all I have been doing so far was thinking about them. This is me thinking about me.”

She sat in the tub but didn’t start the water running.

“Why aren’t you letting the water run?”

“They all do it in the movies. They die, the water fills the tub and starts flowing over its edge. Bathroom gets messy, the cleaning lady needs to clean all the mess. Also, once people notice the water, in most movies, a person in the tub gets rescued. I will let the drain open so most of my blood flows out down the drain. Minimum mess.”

“You might open the window so the smell of blood doesn’t linger in the bathroom.”

“Oh, I didn’t think of that! Thank you!”

She got out of the tub and opened the window. Outside birds were singing and we could hear the wind toying with leaves. The sky was pale blue with a few cute little cotton buds. Smell of the fresh air, moss, woods filled the bathroom and our nostrils. She took a deep breath. Hope, strength and spite filled her lungs. She put a knife on the wash basin.

“You know what, I can do this whenever I want to. I just wont do it today.”

Prompt: sky

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