A hole in the ground

Disturbed’s “The sound of silence”

People are like wells, some deep, some shallow, some full of water, some dry. Each and every well contributes to its environment, be it as a provider of water, charm, good fortune or just spookiness. The problem is when, instead of being a well, you turn into a deep (wet or dry) hole in the ground. From the bottom of yourself you are staring at the source of light during the day. That source of light doesn’t give you warmth because you are just too far away from it, between you and the light there are light years of nothing. We can call it emptiness, if you find nothing hard to imagine. The light doesn’t do much for you. Actually, it makes things harder since it reminds you of what you used to be and somehow forces you to continue to behave like a well even though you know you are merely a hole in the ground. The night brings darkness which gives you peace. Absence of light hides those light years of emptiness. You sleep and this is when you get some rest from being a hole in the ground. Sometimes, even during the day, you close your eyes trying to fall asleep. If you are lucky enough, you fall asleep and the night time comes faster. If not, you remain staring into nothing until the night comes.

Yet, even like that, you actually have a positive impact on people in your life. They might be turning to you because they feel you are helping them blossom, bring some unusual colors in their lives or because you have always been there for them. They cannot imagine that you see yourself as a hole in the ground let alone be able to understand how you feel as such. Lets see how the theory fits the practice. Here are two examples of how people in depression function in real life.


Example 1. You are at the party, surrounded by people you love and that love you. Food, beverages, atmosphere, everything is perfect. Lots of jokes, music, warmth, closeness. Somewhere in your mind you remember just a few years ago you used to enjoy this very much. Something happened though, something you cannot explain, analyze nor understand. You cannot describe it. Hell, you can’t even think about it. Instead of you, your empty shell is laughing when it recognizes it is time for laughter. It is not the laughter you feel in your heart, it is your mind’s laughter.
This is what zombies like you do, they react according to the situation. They are able to assess the situation, find a memory that fits the situation, neatly folded in one of the drawers for happy memories, take muscles’ reaction from those memories and use them in this situation. Mind is not capable to take the feeling of warmth from those memories nor any other happy emotion. On the outside everything seems fine but on the inside only pain fills the emptiness and chest begins to burn.

Example 2. You are traveling to a place your loved ones would love to visit. Not only your loved ones, most of the people would love to visit that place. You know you used to agree with them. Here you are, finally there, sightseeing. What drawer should you use? Lets reach for the drawer of how-your-dear-friend-would-react because your dear friends are somewhat similar to what you used to be. Lets use those muscle reactions by taking a photo here, mimicking amazement there. Good, good! Don’t forget to visit everything your group is visiting, after all, you payed for this trip. Eat…yes…order frogs, you never had that! Are you excited? Or this is one of reactions from the drawers? Hope is futile.

People in depression aren’t sad as one might expect. They are mostly numb and empty. This produces pain that a non-depressed person finds hard to comprehend. On the other hand, it makes depressed people more eligible for recognizing situations that might cause pain to others. Maybe that is why they are so indispensable to people around them.

Prompt: darkness


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